#felt like shit the past couple of days and nothing has made me better but this is a pleasant surprise

[the-holy-ghosted]

sometimes i forget that my favorite actors are still working and appearing in new things and for a brief and beautiful moment the world is so bright and beautiful

[thetarsier]

Hiii I’ve been checking your blog and I love it, can I request secret relationship with Hotch? Like, Jack reveals your secret by accident by calling reader mom or smthn like that ❤️❤️❤️

a/n: I LOVE this.

Word Count: 2k

Warnings/notes: sickness (but like fever, not actually being sick), Derek Morgan being a little shit, not proofread

<3: aaron hotchner x reader

When you’d woken up that morning to Jack coughing and sneezing his little heart out, you’d known what kind of day it was going to be. 

Seeing his condition, it was obvious that he shouldn’t be going to school, and once Aaron had woken up, too, he’d agreed. However, there was work to be done in the office for both of you, and you didn’t want to risk getting Jessica’s children sick, too. The only option was to bring Jack into the office. He could sleep on Aaron’s couch for the day, and then go home to bed straight after. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do. 

As usual, you and Aaron took separate cars to work, you parked nowhere near each other, and Aaron always waited at least five minutes after you’d exited your car to leave his. All countermeasures to keep the keen eyes of your coworkers away from the two of you and your well-hidden relationship. 

It hadn’t been going on for long - just under a year - but things had moved quickly, and you basically lived with Aaron and Jack, only going back to your apartment occasionally when you and Aaron decided it would be best for him and Jack to be alone. You loved the both of them from wherever you were, staying with them was just a way to love them a little bit closer. 

And, boy, was there love. Much to your surprise, Jack had called you ‘mom’ the other day by accident, which led to you going back to your apartment while he and Aaron had a conversation about Haley. You felt flattered that he’d felt so safe and loved around you that the name had been given to you, and Aaron assured you that he wasn’t upset about it. 

When you’d gotten back, Jack had hugged you tightly around your neck and whispered: “My mommy is watching over me, and you do that, too. So you’re also my mom. Dad said that I could call you that if I wanted to.”

“Yeah? You want to, buddy?” You’d asked, fighting back your tears. 

“Yeah! D’you want to come play?” He brushed off the issue as if it were nothing, pulling away from you and grabbing your hand instead, leading you into the living room where his toys were. 

That lively boy had been replaced now by a quiet, sick one, and you tried not to be distracted by the sounds of him coughing in Aaron’s office. You had paperwork to do. You were supposed to be working. Jack had his father, and Penelope, who seemed to be making more trips to the water cooler today than she ever had before.

“God, it’s awful, isn’t it?” JJ’s words made you turn your attention to her from where you’d been staring at the door of Aaron’s office. 

“Sorry?”

“Hearing children in pain. It never gets better. It’s actually worse once you have a child,” She shook her head, “I wish there was something I could do.”

“Yeah,” You said on an exhale, shuffling some of your papers to give your hands a task, “I might go and see if they need anything, actually.”

“I doubt it. Hotch probably has everything Jack could need right in there,” JJ patted your shoulder as she continued her walk past your desk, “You don’t want to risk catching whatever he has.”

You nodded, swallowing as you looked down at your computer. You had to focus. If you went in there, all of the secrecy that you and Aaron had worked for would be put under a microscope. If Jack found comfort in you, like you knew he would, if Aaron let you stay with him in his office when he’d kicked everyone else out within a couple of minutes, every separate car journey to work would be rendered useless. 

Profilers were a nuisance. They saw everything, every minute shift in behaviour. They would definitely notice the signs of a relationship between you and your boss. 

“You okay, pretty girl?” Morgan asked as he came up behind you, placing his hands on your tense shoulders, “You’ve been staring at your computer screen for a while.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m just distracted.” 

He didn’t seem to buy it. Or, rather, he did, he just knew that there was a deeper reason as to why you were distracted that you weren’t mentioning. His fingers pushed into your shoulders as if he were trying to knead the secrets out of you. 

“Oh, I get it,” He mumbled next to your ear and your heart rate began to pick up, “Someone’s got a new boyfriend.”

“What?” You squeaked, turning in your chair and forcing Morgan’s hands from you, “What are you talking about?”

“You’re checking your phone a lot, you’re distracted, you’re happier recently; all signs point to good sex.”

“Derek! This is a work environment.”

“You’re not denying it,” He grinned, leaning on his own desk that was right behind yours, “So you do have a guy.”

“No! No.” You squirmed under his knowing gaze, dropping your shoulders as you let out a sigh, “Okay, yes. Yes, I do. Now, will you leave me alone to do my work?”

He cheered loudly in success, but your worried glance around the space forced him to quieten down, and after he didn’t make any other noises for a few seconds, the eyes in the office that had been drawn to the two of you quickly left again. 

“Just…” You turned back to your computer, “Don’t mention anything to anyone, okay?”

“Only if you answer one question: was I right? Is the sex good?”

You imagined what Derek’s reaction might be if he realised he was talking about his boss, the thought almost put a smile on your face. Instead, you glared at him over your shoulder, and he raised a challenging eyebrow at you. 

“Hey, baby girl-” He shouted across the office while holding eye contact with you. 

“No! Okay fine,” You leaned closer to him, speaking in a hushed whisper, “The answer to your question is yes.”

His shit-eating grin only grew wider at your answer, and when Penelope approached the two of you, Derek made an excuse of asking her out to lunch, and the two of them left the office together. You could finally relax. 

Until the sound of Jack’s coughing punctured through the air again. 

As much as Derek annoyed you (much like an older sibling), he was brilliant at distracting you from everything going on in your life. And even though you were sure that he was telling Penelope your secret at that very moment, you couldn’t help but be a little bit grateful that you’d managed to tear your mind away from the child in Aaron’s office.

It was scary to think about what could happen if the people in your office found out about you and Aaron. As a woman, it was undoubted that you would get at least one comment about sleeping your way to the top, and even though HR knew about your relationship in order to keep professionalism, you couldn’t imagine the kinds of issues that might arise with other agents if they all knew about your relationship. People could be made uncomfortable, or accuse Aaron of preferential treatment; your jobs could be on the line. 

But, then again, it would relieve a huge weight off your shoulders. You wouldn’t have to worry about taking separate cars, waiting in the parking lot, or having to stay away from the person who brought you the most comfort when you were really in need of a hug. 

No. No, you couldn’t be public about your relationship until either one of you didn’t work at the BAU anymore, which you were sure wouldn’t be happening any time soon. 

The door to Aaron’s office opened, and Jack appeared, holding Aaron’s hand and a blanket that he hadn’t let go of since he’d left the house. You tried to seem unfazed, glueing your eyes to your paperwork, but your heart beamed out of your chest when Jack pulled Aaron to a stop right beside your desk. 

“Hey, you feeling okay, buddy?” You asked, keeping your voice gentle. The burn of about a dozen pairs of eyes suddenly became apparent.

Which was why, when Jack held his arms up to be brought up into your lap, loudly exclaiming ‘Mommy!’ as you hesitantly pulled him up, you knew there was no way you could hide. Even if he hadn’t said anything, the way he melted into you, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your neck, was probably a dead giveaway. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” You cooed as you rubbed his back, looking up at Aaron, who was shielding you somewhat with his body as he leaned against your desk, watching you with a hint of a smile, “It’s okay, baby. You’ll feel all better soon, I promise.”

“How soon is soon?” Jack groaned into your skin, and you kissed his hot cheek.

“Really, really soon, buddy, okay?”

You continued rubbing his back as the people around you pretended to continue on with their tasks. Aaron rolled Derek’s desk chair from behind his desk and pulled it up next to you and Jack, lips stretching into a thin line. 

“He was upset, asking for you. I thought I’d rather he be happy than us protect ourselves,” He explained in a low voice, “I probably should have asked.”

“It’s alright,” You assured him, “I’m glad you brought him out, it’s been killing me all day. What are we going to tell everyone?”

“I’ll tell them to mind their own business,” He placed a hand on your knee, away from the view of everyone else, “We did everything right, telling HR but keeping it a secret from the team. It can be a sort of… relief that we don’t have to sneak around anymore.”

“Yeah, you’re right. We should get him back to your office,” Jack had fallen asleep against you, so you stood up carefully, keeping his head still with one hand cradling it, “Morgan will be back soon, and we should probably figure out a strategy to best tell him-”

“Oh!” Came a shout across the office as you and Aaron were halfway up the stairs. You squeezed your eyes shut, not believing in your bad luck, and Aaron turned around to look at Morgan, “Hotch is the secret boyfriend?”

“Watch your volume, Morgan,” Aaron warned, “As much as it may not seem like it, you’re still at work.” The ‘And don’t you dare wake up my son’ was implied, but Jack did nothing more than wiggle around in your arms at the loud noises.

“Oh, man,” Derek grinned as you and Aaron continued to walk up the stairs to his office, “I know something about you, Hotch.” 

His taunts were blocked out by Aaron opening his office door for you and closing it behind himself, twisting the lock and pulling the blinds as you set Jack down on his sofa and tucked his blanket around him. 

“What is he talking about?” Aaron asked once you’d stood up, hands coming to rest on your waist in a way they never had while you two were at work.

You relished in his touch, morphing it into a hug as you wound your arms over his shoulders. At home, he was always touching you, always somewhere close, but it was different - new - in his office, where the only things exchanged between the two of you were longing looks and papers. 

“Nothing you need to worry about.”

[whatdoeseverybodywant]

Rebuild & Restore - Chapter 9

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS

Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated ❤ 

All OC Characters belong to me

All Falls Down (Prequel)

Series Masterlist

Special shoutout to @paigereeder without her this chapter would not have gotten done! 🫶🏽

Kiyana stared off in the direction that Elijah had walked off in, rubbing her arm in the spot that he had grabbed. “Oh naw, he ain’t getting away with this shit.” She muttered as she stormed towards Alexis’ room. She knew how it felt to have a cheated husband and she would never want another woman to feel the way she had. 

“Oh, Kiyana! Bae this is the girl I was telling you about.” Alexis smiled at Kiyana as she walked into the room. “Thank you for paging him. I don’t know what he has a phone for, he never answers it.” Alexis teased her husband, staring up at him with adoration and love in her eyes and Kiyana felt like she was gonna throw up right then and there. It made her sick to know that Elijah was nothing more than a cheating sociopath, just like Josh. 

“Well, I'm happy to help.” Kiyanna finally responded, having to tear her eyes away from the couple in front of her. Her eyes kept wandering down to his wedding ring and all she could think was ‘how could I be so stupid.’  This man was married with THREE kids that he failed to mention. How sick can one person actually be? 

Kiyana checked on Alexis and the baby, not looking in Eli’s direction, even though she felt his eyes on her. His cheating, deceiving eyes.  “Everything looks good right now. If you need anything, just hit that red button right there and someone will come to help.” Kiyana recited the lines from the employee handbook perfectly before turning and walking out of the room before Elijah or Alexis could say anything. 

She closed her eyes and leaned against the closed door, letting out a breath before walking over to the nurses station. “Girl, you still taking care of her?” When Kiyana nodded, Debra shook her head. “You better than me.”  

“I wanted to tell her so bad how much of a scumbag her husband is” Kiyana spat out. Eyes narrowing on the door to room 302. “But something in me just couldn’t. Maybe cause I’ve been in her position before.” Kiyana shrugs, looking down at her bare left hand and frowning. 

Your ex-husband cheated on you?” Debra asked, giving Kiyana a look of pity, which Kiyana ignored. 

“Yup, he um- he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our youngest.. With some chick he worked with.. Same exact situation, different roles.” Kiyana said as she made eye contact with Elijah who had just walked out of the hospital room. He walked past the nurses station, head held high as he ignored the glare Debra was sending his way. 

“If you wanna go home. It’s okay. I’ll cover for you.” Kiyana shook her head. 

“Nope. I am sick and tired of letting men ruin my day.” 

“Daddy can we go see mommy at work?” Josh stopped searching his mother’s refrigerator for something for his boys to eat and checked his watch. 11:54 am.  it was almost time for Kiyana to go to lunch anyway. 

“Yeah, we can do that. Go tell grandma we leaving.” He said sending Kaiden to do his dirty work. Talisua was beyond pissed at him, ever since he told her he crashed Kiyana’a date a couple of days ago. She had called him selfish and insensitive. He agreed with the selfish part, because he was, he wholeheartedly agreed with that. He wanted Kiyana to himself and he was going to do everything in his power to get his wife… ex-wife back. 

“You couldn’t come tell me you were leaving on your own?” Talisua asked as she walked into the kitchen holding Kairo and Josh sighed. 

“Ma’, I don’t wanna fight with you.” 

“I don’t wanna fight with you neither son. I just want you to understand how unfair you are being to Kiyana.” Josh sighed again and resisted the urge to roll his eyes, not waiting to get smacked upside his head. “She deserves to move on.” 

“And I deserve a chance to fix my mess. To make everything right again.” Josh stressed, staring his mom down, he was tired of hearing that Kiyana needs to move on, because no the hell she doesn’t. “Pops cheated on you and had Melvania and you still stayed with him and had four kids. He deserved a second chance, so why don’t I?” For the first time in 38 years, Josh had stumped his mom. He knew bringing up his father’s cheating ways was mean and unnecessary, but he needed to get his point across. 

“Me and your father were not married though Joshua! He didn’t break a vow to me like how you did to Kiyana.” 

“That’s not fair ma’” Josh shot back. “Pops wanted to make things right and you let him, why are you giving me a hard time when I’m trying to do the same?” Talisua’s features softened as she walked closer to her son and grabbed his hand. 

“Son, it’s not the same. I know you wanna fix things with Kiyana. I would love it if y’all were back on the same page, but you hurt her. You hurt her during one of the toughest moments of her life because of your selfishness. Yes, your father has made mistakes but he allowed me to work through my pain on my own, he gave me space and that’s what you’re not giving Kiyana.” 

“Space? She already went on a damn date mom!” Josh responded, raising his voice. "I know I messed up, I admit that. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. Kiyana means everything to me."

“Joshua,” Talisua said softly, squeezing his hand gently, “I know how much she means to you but, She needs space okay? Just let her come back to you.” Josh shook head head 

“Nah, I can’t just sit back and watch while she dates other men. I can’t do that.” 

“Then, I can’t help you Josh. You’re own your own.” Talisua handed Kairo over before walking out of the kitchen. 

“We don’t need her,” Josh muttered to a smiling Kairo. “You’ll help me get mommy back right?”  Josh let out a sigh before calling out to Kaiden, “Kai, come on. Let’s go see mommy!”  

As Josh and his two boys were heading towards his truck, he let out a groan as he saw Joe leaning against it. 

“Uncle Joe!” Kaiden called out, letting go of his fathers hand and running towards Joe, who swooped down and picked him up.

“Man whatcho’ big ass  doin’ here?”  Josh asked, unlocking his car door and placing Kairo in his carseat. 

“I ain't come to argue with you.” Joe said softly. “Jon said you might be here and I just wanted to talk,”  Josh sucked his teeth and moved to the driver's side, starting the car and rolling the windows down. “Josh, I told you the other day I was sorry about how all that shit went down with Kiyana.” 

“Aye Uce,” Josh chuckled bitterly,  “You fucked my wife. Then called me so I could hear it!” Josh seethed, damn-near snatching Kaiden out of Joe’s arms. “You lucky you not six feet underground.”

Joe and Josh stood there staring at each other. Josh’s eyes were filled with hate and anger while Joes’ was filled with regret and sadness about how this whole situation went. He still believed in his heart that Kiyana deserves someone better than Josh, but he also knew that the love that they had for each other was genuine and real. Joe would be a hypocrite if he held Josh accountable for his cheated, it’s not like Joe hasn’t cheated on his girlfriends in the past. 

“Look I’m sorry alright? I don’t wanna fight with you no more Josh. I miss my favorite cousin.” Josh’s eyes softened at Joe’s confession. 

“Daddy, I thought we were going to see mommy?” Kaiden interrupted the two of them and Joe looked at Josh with hopeful eyes. 

“Y’all going to see Key? Can I come? I was going to see her before I left for Miami.” Josh started shaking his head, he opened his mouth to tell him no but Kaiden spoke again. 

“Hurry! Or we’re gonna miss mommy!” Kaiden yelled out growing inpatient. 

“Fine, Get in the damn car Uce.” Josh grunted out, lip curling in disgust as Joe opened his passenger side door and slid his big ass in. 

12:00 pm. 

Kiyana leaped from her chair and grabbed her bag immediately heading for the elevator. “Take as long as you want!" Debra called out and Kiyana gave a thumbs up in return just as the elevator doors closed. Since there was a ban on cell phones during work hours, she had to wait to tell Samara all about Elijah and his lying, cheating ass

She let out a curse as she looked down at her arm where Elijah had grabbed, a nasty bruise had formed. Just looking at the bruise had her blood boiling. ‘I should go back up there and tell his wife everything.’ She thought as the elevator doors opened up on the ground floor. 

Kiyana had pulled up Samara’s contact and was about to press call when a loud “MOMMY!”  echoed around the surprisingly quiet main entrance. An immediate smile was on Kiyana’s face as she recognized her son’s voice. 

“Kai!” Kiyana called out, kneeling down and capturing him in a tight hug that she needed at that moment.  

“Hi mommy, I miss you.” Kaiden muttered into the shirt of her scrubs and it took everything in Kiyana not to burst into tears right there as she placed a kiss to the top of his head. 

“I miss you too Kai.” 

“Damn, I be gone weeks at a time and he’s never ran to me like that” Kiyana rolled her eyes with a chuckle before turning towards Josh and… Joe? Who was pushing Kairo in his stroller. Her eyes widened as she took in the two Samoans. 

“What the fuck?” She whispered. She tried to asked him what he was doing there, but all she could muster was another , “What the fuck?” 

As Kiyana stood to her full height, the bruise on her arm caught Josh's attention. “What’s that?” He asked, drawing Joe’s attention to the bruise as well.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I bumped into something earlier.” She muttered, looking anywhere but at Josh and that's when he knew she was lying. 

“Kiyana.” He narrowed his eyes on her. “That shit wasn’t there this morning.” 

“Josh, please.” She pleaded. “Y’all came here to eat, so let's go do that.” She said grabbing Kaiden’s hand and walking towards the cafeteria but Josh grabbed her other hand, stopping her. “Josh, stop” She whispered and he shook his head. 

“It was that nut ass dude you went out with wasn’t it?” 

“Aye, he put his hands on you KiKi?” Joe chimed in and Kiyana’s bottom lip quivered and that’s when Josh lost it. 

Josh's jaw was clenched tight as he asked her, “Where he at Kiyana? He thinks he can put his hands on you and get away with it?” 

Kiyana shook her head,  "Josh, please," she pleaded again, placing her hand on his chest, trying her hardest to calm him down, but he was pissed and past the point of calming down. “We got the kids here.” 

“And they need to see what happens when someone puts their hands on their mama. I don’t play that shit Key, divorced or not.” The elevator doors opened and Kiyana cursed as Josh’s eyes zeroed in on Elijah. “You put your fucking hands on my wife?” Josh called out and before Elijah could even comprehend what was going on, Josh walked up and threw a mean right hook, knocking Elijah down to the ground. 

The security guard, who had overhead what Elijah did, took his time getting up from his seat. He stretched and yawned before slowly making his way over to them. Kiyana took the stroller from Joe and pushed him in Josh’s direction, “Please do something!” She called out, covering Kaiden’s eyes so he wouldn’t see what his dad was doing. 

“Josh.. Josh come on man, you got him.” Joe said as he pulled Josh off of Elijah but not without getting his own kicks in. 

“Alright, that's enough” The security guard called out as he finally made his way over to them. 

“This shit ain’t over!” Josh called out to Elijah who was holding his jaw, glaring at him. “Imma catch ya’ bum ass again!” Josh pushed the guard away from him and grabbed Kiyana's hand, leading her out of the hospital. 

“And don’t put your hands on my mommy again!” 

Welp... Honestly.... i can't write a fight scene to save my life but imma work on it and trust, this aint the last time Josh gon get his hands on Elijah!

If then ending seems rushed, I apologize it is 3:35 am and I wanted to get this out b/c I won't have any time later on in the day to publish 🙃.

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[i-am-baechu]

♡ Summary: Being a father is the greatest gift Namjoon could ever ask for from Y/N. This Christmas it has turned out to be the hardest one for the family. 

♡ Rating: PG - 14

♡ Genre: Established relationship; Dad! Namjoon x Mom! Reader, romance, fluff and angst 

♡ Author’s Note: This is the sequel to Baby Daddy! Also I worked all day on Christmas Eve and on Christmas I spent it with my family. It’s been busy for me!! 

Namjoon knew the day was coming but he didn’t realize it was coming this fast. They spoke about his military leave twice in the past year. Once, in the beginning and the second, in the middle. Both times Y/N was crying and Namjoon dropped the topic. He hated seeing his wife cry. He couldn’t bear the realization on Su-jin’s face that daddy wasn’t coming home at the end of the day and it hurt more that Y/N had to face it alone.  

He wanted to celebrate Christmas early so at least he can see Su-jin’s second Christmas before he leaves. It was December tenth and Namjoon made their living room filled with Christmas decorations the night before. Their tree was filled with ornaments that had glitter falling down onto their carpet and the lights flashed different colors that made Su-jin hypnotized. Of course Namjoon made sure the tree had mountains of presents underneath with cartoon paper hiding what was inside. 

Y/N watched Su-jin open another gift and she sighed. She leaned towards Namjoon who was sitting next to her with a wide grin, “Joon, don’t you think this is overdoing it?” 

He shook his head and kissed Y/N’s cheek, “No, I wish I could’ve done more.”

She let out a small laugh and shook her head, “Babe, how much more could you have done?” 

“Trust me, I had plans.” 

“I don’t doubt that.” 

Su-jin started letting out her giggles when she started playing with her new microphone. Y/N glanced at her and smiled. Namjoon bent down and grabbed a small box that was hidden behind the tree, “Baby, I got you something.”  

She looked back at Namjoon with a surprised look and then at the tiny box, “Joonie, I told you-”

“This is special please.”

She took the box and let out a laugh, “You always had to have it your way.” 

“You’ll like it.”

She opened the box and her eyes widened. It was a ring that had all of their birthstones and engraved in the ring it said, MY FOREVER. She placed the ring next to her wedding bands with excitement, “Namjoon, this is so beautiful.” 

Namjoon placed his hand on top of hers and glanced at the ring, “I just wanted you to know...no matter what. You guys are my forever. Even if I’m far away, I’m always thinking of you guys.” 

“Joon, I don’t need a ring for that. I already know.” 

“I just wanted you to have something...”

She smiles and leans forward, placing a quick peck on his lips, “I love it and I love you.” 

“I love you more.” 

Later that night, Y/N put Su-jin down and it was just the couple. They were in the living room cuddling up watching a random drama with Christmas lights flashing in semi darkness. Namjoon’s fingers carefully went through her hair as she played with his fingers, it was pure bliss. 

“Neh, Namjoon...Do you remember when we met?” 

“Of course I do....”

Another long night and Namjoon felt like shit. All day he was messing up in practice and while no one got mad at him, he was mad at himself. He kept trying but nothing was working. It was frustrating because even Jin picked up the choreography. 

“Namjoon, let’s get some coffee. You need it.”

Namjoon looked up from the floor and gave him a sad smile, “Sure...maybe they have a drink that can make me dance better.”

Yoongi scoffed at this and rolled his eyes, “Shut up, let’s go.” 

They walked down the street to the only cafe open that late. There was soft jazz music playing and the sound of soft talks echoed in the room. whispers that held comfort under the dim lighting. They ordered their usual and waited at a table towards the back. Yoongi was on his phone and Namjoon was just staring outside into the night. He wished he could be better at dancing. He was their leader but he couldn’t help them with the formation, what kind of leader is he? 

“You look like you're thinking hard.” 

A soft voice blended in with the jazz music but it was loud enough for him to hear. He turned his head to see a girl around his age looking at him with a soft smile. The way her eyes looked at him made him feel like he was by a fireplace on a cold day. It was comforting and nice, “Yeah...thinking.”

She placed the cups down on the table and turned her head slightly towards him, “Are you alright? Thinking too hard just causes problems and no one likes problems.” 

“Problems can be the solutions we need.”

“Or the headaches we don’t want.”

Yoongi snickered at this and took a sip of his coffee as he watched the two go back and forth. Y/N heard her name at the counter and sighed, “I have to go but my advice is...don’t be too hard on yourself. We have one life, why be so mean to ourselves.” 

Namjoon watched her walk away and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. There was something about her and he wanted to figure it out. 

She let out a small laugh at the memory, “You were so nervous, it was cute.”

He rolled his eyes at this and changed the channel, “I wasn’t nervous. I was just...overwhelmed...”

“That’s what you said when you asked me out, remember?” 

“Jimin, I don’t think this is going to work.”

Jimin rolled his eyes and handed Namjoon the flowers, “Y/N’s favorite flowers are daisies.”

Hoseok nodded his head and opened the cafe door for him, “Stop being nervous and ask her out before someone else does. Like that guy from the other cafe.” 

“I’m not nervous...I’m overwhelmed.” 

“Yeah, whatever. Just go.” 

Namjoon entered the cafe and saw Y/N watering the plants. He heard Jungkook’s voice playing and he smiled. Y/N told him that she would always support him because she believed that he would become big. She was always there believing in her. 

She looked up and waved at him, “Hey! I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Sorry...ummm....these are for you.”  

She glanced down to see him handing her daisies. She smiled softly and took them out of his hands. She brought the daisies to her nose and inhaled the scent, “You shouldn’t have...I love them Namjoon. Thank you.” 

He felt his face get hot but a surge of confidence flew through him, “Y/N you would go on date me?” 

“Namjoon, are you okay?” 

He knew she was teasing him and she sighed. He looked away with his red face to avoid her mischievous eyes, “Would you go on a date with me?

“Of course I would.” 

“It’s not funny, Y/N.”

“I think it is.”  She reached for the remote and shut off the t.v, “We should head to bed. You want to take Su-jin  to the park tomorrow, remember.” 

He smiles at his daughter's name and nods his head, “Yeah, I wanted her to play with Jungkook while we walk through the park together.” 

“That sounds lovely.” 

The couple shut off everything in the living room and headed towards their bedroom. They both laid in their respective spots and she stared at him with a frown. He raised his eyebrow at this and turned towards her, “Is everything okay, Y/N?”

“I’m just going to miss you...”

“Well maybe Santa will bring me to you.” 

She rolled her eyes and moved closer to him until she felt his body heat, “The only thing I want from Santa is our family together.”

“Baby...” He kissed the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her waist, “It’s going to be okay.” 

She let out a snicker as she snuggled into his chest, “Been an angel all year, Santa baby...”

He snorted at this and pinched her sides, making her wiggle, “Shush you...”

“Just promise me you’ll write to me.” 

“Of course I will, babe.” 

She looked up and kissed the side of his neck, “I can’t believe Taehyung is shaving his head.”

“I know, he looks like a prince with his hair. It’s going to be wild to see him without it.”

“I always said you looked like a professor that had all the girls drooling during class.”

He smirked at this and he tightened his grip, “Is that so?”

“Very much so...now that you shaved your head...I don’t know you got hotter to me.”

“Really? Su-jin misses my hair.”

She snickers at this and nodded her head, “She does, she was so confused when you didn’t have it but I think you look handsome.” 

“And I think you look beautiful. Let’s sleep.”

“Fine, what time are we leaving?”

“Around eleven.” 

She kissed his chest and closed her eyes, “Good night my love.” 

“Good night.” 

･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ✩ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･

“Hyung! Noona!” 

The couple pushed Su-jin towards Jungkook and she waved at him, “Good morning, Kook.” 

Jungkook smiled at her and gave her a tight hug, “Noona, I heard you had a surprise.”

She raised her eyebrow at this, “And who told you this?” 

“Yoongi...”

She rolled his eyes, “It’s not a surprise...It’s more I baked you a cake for all your solo activities.”

Namjoon took Su-jin out of the stroller and pouted, “You didn’t make me a cake for my solo...”

“This is why I told Yoongi not to tell you. I knew you would blurt it out.”

“Sorry noona.” 

She let out a chuckle and ruffled Jungkook’s hair, “It’s fine. Namjoon, I gave you a baby. That’s bette than cake.” 

“Nothing in this world can compare to my Su-Jin. Want to play with Uncle Kook, Su-jin?” 

Su-jin made grabby motions towards Jungkook and he happily took her. He kissed all over her face and Y/N smiled at the scene before her, “You can play on the playground. Just be careful, she’s been more curious these days.”

“I will noona. Have fun on your walk.” 

Namjoon intertwined their fingers together and they walked. It was winter but today it wasn’t as cold. It was the perfect temperature. They walked closely together in silence as nature became their theme song. Namjoon glanced down at her and smiled, “What do you think about having another baby?”

She glanced up at him and gave him a surprise look, “Another baby? I would love to have another one but you're leaving soon...”

“When I come back?”

She let out a small laugh, “Maybe Santa can make that come true.” 

“Santa's probably tired of us asking him for things.”

She rolled her eyes and nodded her head, “But that’s the fun of Christmas.” 

“So...Another baby? Hurry down the chimney tonight.~” 

Y/N let go of Namjoon’s hand and started to walk away from him, “I’m going back to Su-jin.”

“Wait no! Comeback!”

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same

i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense

i'm five months sober now

i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes

i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired

somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why

once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school

for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake

same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow

this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel

i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again

my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend

im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really

i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.

being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever

ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was

therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul

im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always

let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.

bye for now

[polonium-snap]

Bkdk Plot bunnies pt 1

Izuku is 12 and still quirkless

Katsuki is his #1 Bully being as every other day he corners Deku outside school to mock him and intimidate him

Until one day he just stops

Izuku doesn’t notice at first maybe is just one of those days Katsuki “can’t be bothered with a useless Deku”

However as time passes even Katsuki’s lackeys wonder what is wrong with him

He’s stopped complaining about Deku, and doesn’t ever mention the other boy’s quirklessness

Izuku doesn’t know how to feel about it; on one hand he is glad the harassment stopped, but somehow being completely ignored by Kacchan feels somehow worse

“I just realized; why be bothered with a quirkless extra.” Katsuki explained a week later when one of his friends asked

That’s what did it, for all the insults Katsuki had called Deku for the past six years he had never referred to Izuku as an extra

Izuku was the gum stuck in his shoe but never as inconsequential as an extra

That burned Izuku more than being called Deku ever had. But Izuku couldn’t say anything about it

One day some older kids saw the opportunity to corner Izuku on some alley and started push him around

It seemed Bakugou power was such everyone had steered clear of his “mark” but now that he was not interested in him anymore someone wanted the #1 bully position

However unlike Katsuki who used his quirk to intimidate and occasionally burn Deku’s belongings these bullies got physical. They hit Izuku a couple of times before big explosions interrupt them

Out of nowhere Katsuki appears “get away from him!” He screams in rage

He chases the older boys away then looks at Deku

Why his green eyes ask

Katsuki wears a look Deku has never seen before, guilt

Bakugou Katsuki was never guilty because Bakugou Katsuki never felt sorry and Bakugou Katsuki never made mistakes

So how come he’s looking at Deku with guilt?

Something is wrong, Katsuki is different and Izuku has to find out why

Katsuki is quieter and almost nice?

Not really he still brash and can’t be bothered with peoples names but he has less outbursts, the blond is oddly different with Deku, which is even more baffling

One day Izuku sees Katsuki at the convenience store when the boy suddenly drops everything and is practically running outside

Izuku follows

Bakugou stops a tall skinny blond old man, who looks just as surprised as Izuku

From the distance Deku can’t hear their conversation

The man tenses as he hears Katsuki talk, wary toward the younger blond, but his expressions keep changing

Katsuki said something more and the man sighs almost relieved

They seem to exchange numbers and Katsuki turns around, only just missing Izuku who had to hastily hide

His heart is racing, what was that? Why had Bakugou stopped a random man like that?

Just as suddenly Katsuki changes his routine only noticeable to Izuku who knows it like the back of his hand

Izuku sees Kachan outside a building where a small girl with white hair and red eyes of about 4 years old comes running out and into Katsuki’s arms

Strangely Bakugou welcomes the hug with a smile of his own as the underground hero Eraserhead comes out behind the child

Deku can’t believe his eyes

Soon enough Bakugou seems to express his goodbyes and Izuku takes that as his cue to hide scurrying through an alley

“So, what is your nerd brain thinking?” Bakugou’s voice sounds from the end of the alleyway izuku had hastily hidden

“I-I K-k-Kachan! Wh-what a co-coincidence to see you here! Haha” Deku fumbled. “Wh-“

“Shut up, I know you’ve been following me.” The blond acuses

Izuku closes his mouth

“I’m sure you’ve noticed something’s different, so hit me with your theories.”

“I-I do-don’t know. Nothing makes sense all the things that should be connected don’t link correctly to one another.” Izuku flounders. “One day you just changed, w-why?

Bakugou smiled bitterly. “Deku, shit’s complicated and at first I thought maybe it was for the better if you weren’t involved at all.” He looks hesitant before blustering. “But that’s obviously wistful thinking since you are a nosy little shit that won’t stay away,”

“Kacchan what is going on?

“4 years from now I died and came back in time.”

“…What?”

“I’m from the fucking future dumbass.”

“W-wait Kacchan you died?! What do you mean from the future?!”

“It’s better if All Might and I explain.”

“A-A-All Might?!?!”

“Tch, come with me” Katsuki starts to drag Deku.

“Wait Kacchan where are we going?”

“To get you a quirk.” Katsuki smiles back with a brightness Izuku hasn’t seen since they were little.

I decided to start this series because I have so many bkdk ideas I have planned out but I don’t either have the time or will to write out into an actual fanfic

Let me know what you think and if you guys like it I might write it

pt 2 |pt 2.5 |pt 3|pt 4|pt 5|pt 6

[the-anime-enthusiast]

As per request of @tired-jaz here's some dabi fluff for the touya fans 😈 This is purely fluff but here's a lil quick disclaimer ⚠️ jaz this isn't totally what you asked for but Its still fluff and got some pretty sweet stuff in it 😭(pun intended) HOPE YALL ENJOY‼️

NOT AS SWEET

AS YOU (dabi x reader)

DAY ONE ☎️

"3 months, THREE WHOLE MONTHS NAKI. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I havent felt the touch of aan, MY MAN, in three whole months", you scream into the phone, not caring the damage youve dealt to your sisters eardrums.

"Y/N" she screams back.

"Yes..." you retorted sheepishly with a slight ansgt.

"Isnt he coming bacm in like what? 3 DAYS?? I hate to break it to you gurl, BUT PLEASE, calm down, I get it but he'll be there soon."

"BUT"

"NO. NO BUTS. What happened to the logical and rational you i know? The one dabi fell in love with? Youll have him all to yourself in no time. I know its hard, especially cause you haven't been able to talk to him either, but honey please. Hell be there alright. ALRIGHT?"

you sigh, "I'll calm down. You're right I guess, don't wanna embarrass myself in front of him after 3 months..." you breathe out staring at your feet face reddening at the thought of your desperate actions. "I just miss him, a lot."

"Y/n...I get it, i really do, and i hate to do this right now, but i have to go, if you need anything youll tell me right?"

"Yeah yeah you know I will", you respond rolling your eyes simultaneously.

"REMEMBER" the sudden loud tone sending you to jump up, "3 DAYS THEN HES ALL YOURS. BYE BYE!" she acreams ending the call with a kissy sound.

Your hand drops down, looking at the caller ID

"I know" you wisper to yourself.

DAY TWO 💤

Grogginess? She practically your bestfriend you think rolling over to the other aide of your bed, arm slewn over your back orher cupping the side of the pillow youve found yourself clutching for dear life to the past couple of months.

"Dabi..." you whisper, eyes squeezing shut trying to imagine his face again as you bury your face into the pillow

"please come home" is the last thing your pillow hears before you pass out on top of it wishing it was him you were on top of instead.

Nothing could quite distract you from his absence like sleeping your life away.

DAY THREE 🍰

Anxiety was eating you alive like you were the twilight saga and a book worm was having a feild day.

"Nothing has changed between us right?" you thought. "Right?" you repeat to yourself, a sickening smile creeping on your face with tears pricked in the corners of your eyes.

"NO" you yell sitting up to hang of your bed.

"I WILL NOT BE SAD. I REFUSE. ONE MORE DAY

"Y/N. YOU GOT THIS! I GOT THIS? I GOT THIS." you chant storming to your kitchen. Given the ungodly amount of sleep you got yesterday, you hadnt eaten barely anything but leftover cookies and some milk.

"OH. MY. GOD." you aggravatingly sighed out

"I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY" followed by a whine as the refridgerator swining open, and then the realization hit you, you wouldn't be surprised if dust and a moth flew out with the door.

"DAMN INGREDIENT HOUSEHOLD WHAT THE HELL" you yell falling to your knees while slamming the fridge shut, followed by a bang on the door with your fist.

Your head soon met the door as well with your begging you from 2 weeks ago to stop the decision of purely doordashing food to your front door while dabi was gone, leaving you broke as hell. Checking your bank account wasn't any better than the fridge, but in optimism you tell yourself, if theres one thing an ingredient household will get you, its crazy amazing dessert recipes made out of practically thin air.

-skip to later that night-

"Holy shit-" you breathe out

"Holy fucking shit, so. much. dessert. So many... everything?" you question scanning your kitchen surroundings, brownies, cookies, Tres Leches, cookie dough, instant jello, popsicles?

"How in the actual hell...did i make...popsicles..."

you whisper before collapsing of exhaustion.

Slowly picking up your phone to check the time, you read 2:45 a.m.

Following is a look of worry, exhaustion, and confusion as you pass out on the kitchen floor.

DAY FOUR - DABI'S COMING HOME

My keys slowy make their way into the key hole, first sturggling due to my franticness to see her. My girl.

"y/n" I whisper out getting frustrated that the key keeps getting stuck.

"Dammit!' i whisper yell as the door finnalg flys open crashing against the wall behind it.

"What the hell? Why does it smell like...HUH?"

He screeches feasting his eyes on the copious piles of desserts covering every kitchen surface.

"What the hell..." he whispers, barely taking the time to notice you crashed out on the kitchen floor.

"Y/n..." he whispers leaning down to you, a look of pity and concern stretching across his otherwise emotionless face.

"baby..." is the last thing he says before reaching behind your neck and waist to hoist you up into his arms.

A feeling of warmth overcomes your body, a feeling of comfort, one you cant quit explain while wrapped up in your Candy Land like dream, one where you of all people were a diety of dessert. Slowly coming back to consciousness you hear the words of your lover...

"baby" you feel whispered against your ear, the familar voice sending shocks through your body.

No matter the lack of sleep and energy spent on your Master Chef Desserts you shot up clinging to dabi like it was the last time.

"DABI" you screeched into his ear as he pulls you in closer.

He presses a kiss to your ear, "hey princess, missed you baby" he says pressing a second one right after the other.

The feeling practically melts you, nothing beats some sweet love from your lover, especially the physical lind.

"Dabi" you sigh

"Yes princess?"

"Kiss me again?"

"Hm?"

You grab his collar pulling his face for his eyes to look into yours.

"KISS ME" you growl locking his eyes with yours noticing the sly smirk spreading across his beautiful face.

"Alright alright, i heard you the first time" he chuckles cupping your cheek and pulling your waist flush against his stomach.

"Since you ask so nicely..." he teases bringing your face close to his.

You can't explain it, maybe its the lack of him you've experienced the past three months or his overall deamenor but its like you cant think anymore. Everythings fuzzy, your nose filled with the smell of the previously baked sweets mixed with the ash and cigarette smell on his collar. You lose complete control melting into his hands, making him work to keep your body up as his lips meet yours. You make note of the gentleness he's displaying, something not often seen, even behind closed doors. It doesn't feel like hes going to give you the night of your life, or like hes about to do whataver he wants to you, he feels like he's about to hold you until the sun comes up, bury his head in your neck, lay you on his chest kissing your head, whispering sweet nothings like

"you're so beautiful baby..."

or

"i missed you so much" followed by his nose burrowing in your hair.

'you miss me too pretty girl?"

maybe a

"Im here its alright princess..."

or maybe

"you need anything baby?"

its almost out of charcter for him, but somethings changed, the way he holds you, something happened. He holds you now like hes actaully scared to lose you. His kiss isn't filled with lust, but love, pure innocent love, one you've never felt, you think leaning more into the kiss slowly making your backs way down to the floor.

His lips press deeper into yours, never wanting to leave but nevertheless he pulls away leaning over your frozen body beneath him.

"Baby" he whispers moving your face so his eyes meet his, given you were hiding it out of embarrassment.

"Yes..." you wisper back peering up into his beautiful eyes, taking note of the difference in his stare. He holds there for awhile, staring into your eyes, searching in them like he'll find something, still holding your face lovingly.

Your left hand comes to meet his hand on your face cupping over it shooting him a small smile.

"Dabi? "

"Hm?" he hums back seeming to come back to reality.

"S-sorry" he stutters a bit, a like shade of pink running across his cheecks.

Your smile never leaves as you bring your other hand up to meet his face, pulling it down to your head to rest his forehead against yours.

"I love you" you whisper.

"Hm..." he hums with a slight chuckle sending a look of horror to your face. His laugh grows as he puts more pressure against your foreheads.

"I'm just teasing baby" he says moving his mouth to kiss your forehead as he pulls you up to sit with him, pulling his hand of your cheek to allow more balance on the way up.

"Just teasing" he repeats moving to kiss your cheek allowing another small smile to come up on your face as his hand meets your face again. He follows with small kisses peppering across your cheeks, forehead, nose, jaw line, and even some daring to your neck. All that's heard throughout your shared apartment is small giggles and the sound of his lips coming off of your skin.

"Hey princess" he says looking for some focus as he comes up to cup both your cheeks.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Your face goes an ungodly red.

"Hm?" you question, face blank, leaving him to chuckle to himself.

"I love you baby" he repeats giving you a warm smile leaning his forhead bacm against yours.

"I..." you smile back... "I love you too dabi" you whisper allowing his lips to come back to yours for one final kiss before your mouths are otherwise occupied scarfing down the pile of treats waiting for you on the counter.

"Pretty sweet huh?" you tease bumping your hips into his.

"Not as sweet as you baby" he replies a sweet smile spreading on both your faces as you match each other's gaze.

[littlelalu]

A New Chapter | Milo Manheim (Fluff)

Notes: Thank you so much to everyone who likes my posts :) Please let me know if you want me to write you one or want me to write about something in particular.

Y/N = Your Name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My anxiety and stress levels have been high these past couple of days. We got to New Zealand three weeks ago because Milo must film for Zombies 4. Milo’s schedule has been crazy. He has been having set visits, late-night filming, and some cast parties here and there. I woke up feeling like shit today. I told Milo I was going to stay home today. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and my mood was crazy. I think my period is coming soon.

It's 1 pm and I’ve been in bed all day. I tried closing my eyes to nap, but nothing was making the feeling go away. I was startled as my phone rang. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand. It was Milo Facetiming me.

“Milo…” I said with a weak smile.

“Aww… How’s my girl feeling?” he said in a sweet voice. His hair was greener than usual, and his makeup was on.

“Shit. You look cute, Zed,” I said, slightly giggling.

“Haha very funny.” He said sarcastically. “Anyways, are you sure you didn’t get sick from something? Like food poisoning from the restaurant, we all ate the other night?”

I thought about it for a while. “Is anyone else sick?”

“Well… No… Just you.”

“I think it’s just my monthly friend coming soon, babe. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to stay home today.”

“Okay boo. I must go. As soon as I am done, I will go straight to you. I love you. See you later. Muah” he said as he kissed the camera.

I laughed, “Love you too! Bye”

I hung up and set my phone back on the nightstand. I pulled the blanket over me and drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~~~ Later ~~~~~~

“Y/N...” I heard a whisper “Y/N”

I slowly opened my eyes and saw my green-haired boyfriend. “Milo!” I said happily. “What time is it?”

“It’s 5 o’clock. They let us go early because it was starting to rain.” He sat on the bed next to me. He felt my forehead “Feeling better? Any fevers”

“The same, Dr. Manheim” I joked with him, causing him to slightly laugh.

“I made you something. Wait here.” He said as he got up and left the room. Minutes later, he came back with a tray. The was some soup, apple juice, and crackers. He set the tray on the nightstand. “I made you chicken noodle soup. I know you love to have it when you’re sick”

Despite him waking up early to film and working out with those dance moves he does; he still manages to make sure I am okay. He loves taking care of me because he knows I do the same for him.

“Thank you, babe. I needed this.” I said as I sat up. He opened the legs from the tray so he could set it over my legs.

“Anything for you.”

“Are you going out tonight?”

“Nah., I told them I was going to stay in with you.”

“You don’t have to cancel plans because of me babe. I will be fine”

“Yeah, I know, but we haven’t had any rest or any alone time. I want to be with you tonight. Even if it’s just us watching movies.” He said as he kissed my cheek. He walked over to the other side of the bed and sat next to me.

We locked eyes for a while. “What did I do to get this lucky?”

He smiled at me. “You got it wrong babe. I am the one who got lucky. I am just doing my best to keep you around.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you, too,” he said.

He started to lean in for a kiss, but I stopped him. “No, I’ll get you sick. You can’t get sick.”

He pouted. “Please?” He gave me puppy eyes.

“No,” I said

“Fine… “He sighed in defeat.

I began eating the soup. “This is delicious.”

Milo turned on the TV and put “How I Met Your Mother” on. He knows this is my comfort show.

After a few bites, I began to feel nauseous again. I tried to power through and continue eating but it got to me. I set the tray on the nightstand and ran to the bathroom. I slammed the door shut, quickly grabbed a hair tie, and put my hair in a ponytail. I sat in front of the toilet, throwing up everything I just ate.

I heard soft knocks on the floor. “Y/N? Are you okay?”

“No…” I said softly. My stomach and throat hurt from using force to throw up.

“Can I come in?”

“No. Just give me a few minutes.” I spoke. I heard him walk to our bed.

I have not been able to keep much down. I am surprised I had the energy to run. I’ve never felt this bad. I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and brushed my teeth before heading back with Milo.

“You okay, love?” He asked. His voice sounded concerned. His eyes looked worried.

I nodded. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and went to my period tracker app.

‘Take A Test’ flashed across the home screen.

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped.

“What’s wrong?” Milo said even more worried than before. I tossed him the phone. He read it and had the same expression as me. He quickly refocused. “Do you think you might be?”

“I-im not sure… I can’t think straight right now…” I said my voice barely above a whisper.

“I’ll go to the store and get you some tests. Just stay here and try to relax” he said as he got up and put his shoes on. He hugged me and kissed my forehead before he left out the door.

~~~ An hour later ~~~

“Y/N?” I heard Milo ask as he walked in. 

“Here…” I said I was still sitting on the bed with my legs touching my chest.  I was still in shock. I just couldn’t help but think of the outcomes. Am I ready to be a mom? Is Milo okay with this? Are we ready? 

Milo walked into the room with 3 pregnancy tests and a plastic cup. “I was not sure which is best, but the lady in the front said to get the pink dye.”

I slightly smiled imagining him asking the lady about it. “Thanks, babe. I’ll be back” I grabbed the pregnancy tests and the cup. I went to the bathroom to take all three at the same time. 

I washed my hands and sat on the floor until the 5-minute timer I set on my phone rang. My heart began to race again. My phone timer went off. I turned it off and slowly got up. I walked up to the counter and saw all the pregnancy tests. 2 of them had 2 clear lines, and the other had a plus sign on it. Positive.

I started to shake again. 

I heard a knock at the door. “Babe? Are you okay? I heard your timer go off. Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” I said barely a whisper. Not sure how he heard me, but he came in. 

“What is it?” He asked nervously.

I grabbed all three pregnancy tests and showed him. 

He looked shocked at first too and smiled so big. “You’re pregnant?!” 

I nodded. I still can’t speak. I don’t know how to react.

“IM GOING TO BE A FUCKING DAD, “Milo said excitedly jumping up and down.

“You’re not upset?” I asked him.

“What? Of course not. Y/N, I love you. I know I want to be with you my whole life. Starting a family with you is a dream. I didn’t think it would be this fast, but I always wanted to be a dad.” He added, “I will be there for you and our child. Whenever you need me.”

I cried, happy tears, and hugged him so tightly. “I love you, Milo”

“I love you more.”

I pulled away and looked at him.

“I was honestly nervous about being parents this young in life. I was scared you would leave me because I thought you weren’t ready. But…. You made me feel safe. I cannot wait to raise our child together.”

“I can’t wait either!” He said as he leaned in to kiss me. 

We ended up celebrating again. Let’s just say we celebrated the same way we created this baby 😉

[tunedtostatic]

Blog updates 2024 edition, or more specifically, one big, potentially very good update: Last year when I did my 2023 blog updates, almost but not quite a year ago now, I said I might be within a month or so of things no longer being in serious crisis/my life being basically okay-adjacent. It is hard to write this even now but it turned out that that didn't work out - things did get better, especially for a chunk of six months in the middle of the year when I had safe housing and things felt wonderful compared to the last few years, but neither external circumstances nor my own ability to deal with {PTSD, external circumstances, &c} got to the point hoped for where I would be able to say "I'm living a life where things are more or less normal and okay." Even though I never quite reached things being okay-adjacent during that chunk of months and things got not great again end of summer to now, having that time of things being close to almost okay-adjacent was a very important springboard to me for make it to a point now where I might be within reach of actually okay-adjacent.

Right now, what I said last year about potentially being within a month or so of things being basically okay is potentially true again, and I think I have a better shot at it this time for both external reasons and personal "knowing more about what to do to get safe and having my shit together" reasons. I might be within reach of things being okay-adjacent and feeling like I have a real normal life outside of crises (here defined as safe housing, employment, no people hurting me in my immediate vicinity, financial and scheduling ability to manage physical medical issues on a day to day basis while still eating without mental health issues getting in the way of that, clothing in drawers not trash bags, nothing actively medically scary).

If so this will be for the first time since 2018 so of course it's a big deal to me. Right now of course I'm both excited and relieved things might work out soon and terrified that they won't.

Meanwhile (the reason beyond updating that I'm posting this!), as I get ready to fully move into the place that will hopefully be the "safe housing" part of this, it's been really hitting me that even though living a life that is normal-adjacent and okay-adjacent will inherently be orders of magnitude better than the last 5+ years and of course I'm prepared to be extremely grateful for that, I'm still going to have all the grief and emptiness I have now. Even though I will as always be (too) busy in some ways trying to get everything done in a day while dealing with chronic pain, no longer having so much time soaked up trying to survive whatever the problem of the week or PTSD meltdown of the day is means that I'm going to have hours and hours of empty time to fill every week.

When I talk about loss I know some people's minds will jump to the worst case personal scenarios so I will clarify that I am fortunate that by grief I don't mean the death of an immediate family member, not that kind of grief. A lot of different things - people who have been awful, deaths, horribleness in my neighborhood that was like family, lost time, and all the losses prior to the last few years in some ways since grief doesn't fully go away, and then things like a close friendship breakup last year that is not as painful as any of the above since we are both alive and managed to be kind to each other throughout the breakup but it's still over. It has been hitting me that a lot of the work of grieving everything from the past couple decades, like the work of dealing with PTSD, is what I had to get through these past couple years to have a chance of getting my shit together, but now that I've made enough headway on the work of grieving to be able to have a chance at my life being okay, the losses and emptiness themselves will still be there ("still be gone"?)

If anyone has suggestions for fun stuff to do, book and movie recommendations, &c, it would be a really good time for them! If anyone can recommend social stuff, e.g. friendly good-boundary-having discord servers, that would be amazing. I think y'all know my favorite things in fiction and music (fiddles, writing fanfic that comes to a screeching halt 2-3 times a chapter to talk about food, thoughtful meditations on torture?, swords) but I'm usually down to at least give media outside my wheelhouse a try.

[frostythefrostedfox]

Spoiler Alert for Inside Out 2, you've been warned, if you keep reading from here on, that's entirely on you friendo

Nuff time has passed, and I know it's only been like a week, but in internet time that is like 500 days

Inside out 2 was mid as fuck, not even Harry Potter makes me snooze this hard; is literally the first movie, with the same problems with the added problem of constant retcons and a super unsatisfactory ending. I would give it a 5.5/10, at least Blue Beetle made me feel something other than annoyance, even if that emotion was anger

I guess pixar wasn't lying, they are truly trying to massify the appeal of their new stuff by basically copypasting "The Current Trend TM" into the movie where it fits or not. What is this, a modern sonic videogame?

The scene in question was very well done, it felt very real, but don't forget there is still 85 minutes of movie to consider, and I bet it'll be just like the first one, where nobody remembers absolutely anything from the movie except for that one specific scene, the ending and the ending alone.

I really thought that pixar was onto something with Cars 3, when things seemed magical yet real, when the life lesson of the movie was something that is usually hard to hear, but no, instead we got "Be selfish and lie, that'll get you what you want", because that's exactly what the ending does by giving Riley what she wanted instead of punishing her for her blatantly shitty actions and being an even worse friend, nope, instead everything is solved with a hug and everyone's cool with her, what is accountability am I right?.

Joy apparently learned absolutely nothing from the first movie because now she has even more control and is doing even worse shit than before, in the first one she was just a control freak that kept the other emotions from doing anything, but in the second one she is even worse, now she straight up tries to make Riley forget things so she can create an idealized version that fits her perfect ideal of who Riley is, is like her whole take of the first movie wasn't that there has to be room for other emotions and that it is okay to not be happy all the time, her take seem to be that you should absolutely get rid of everything that doesn't makes you happy because that's just easier than acknoledge your mistakes, lie to yourself every single day of your life, that'll make you happy! And the least said about how Starbucks Karen coded she is in this movie compared to the first one, the better

I am not even going to talk about the huge ammount of inconsistencies with the first movie that were just shoved in for unknown reasons, like Nostalgia, did y'all forgot that Nostalgia is the emotion that Riley discovers at the end of the first movie when the memories of her past are a mix of sadness and happiness?

And lastly the marketing, it was the most corporate thing I've ever seen since the garfield movie, ew, never thought anyone could ever do it worse. Just product placement in bigger brands so they can hijack your attention for a couple of seconds while you consume another product and secure their money by force-exposing everyone to their movie. If those had been stand-alone ads I wouldn't have a problem, because that is the point of advertisement, to sell you something, and we know what happens when you barely show the movie you're trying to make money out of, like Elemental, but y'all could at least pretended to believe in your own product's ability to stand on its own two legs instead of ductaping it to literally every other brand that was popular enough at the time.

[littlemisstfc]

We All Owe Jake Foushee An Apology: Why I Don't Like VA Fanbases

Hello, Hola, こんにちは。

Welcome back to this side of the Hundred Acre Woods and I wanna ruin lunch today. You can thank Harriyanna Hook for that last bit akskskskksks. 

If you know me by now, you know that I have the utmost respect for voice actors, especially those who embrace their roles in various Transformers media. They were the voices of our childhoods for a reason, and they deserve much better from the film and tv industry. I don’t have the generous feeling towards their hardcore stans. 

Unfortunately, like everyone who has achieved a level of fame and success, their fanbases has a mix of good, sane fans and fans that make Misery look like a Disney movie. For some reason, when it comes to voice actors and Transformers, a good chunk of the fanbase has an overzealous mentality of, “there could only be ONE voice actor for one character.” If you know where this is going, you are correct. I am calling out the Peter Cullen stans today. 

3, 2, 1, Pingu.

Bad Voice Direction Was The Problem, Not The Voice Actor

Before y’all ask, no, nothing happened to either Peter or the subject of today’s blog post today. This is just something I have been thinking about for a while now.

Do not get me wrong: Peter Cullen is a very kind and caring man who deserves all the accolades and praise for his work in Transformers for the past 39 years. Having met him in person earlier this year felt like meeting Santa Claus. He was genuinely that amazing. However…his fanbase is something else. The best comparison I could think of at the top of my head is the Beyhive, aka Beyonce’s fanbase. Like, at the same time, I’ve seen the best and very worst of this fanbase. The good is that I have made friends and acquaintances that share the same appreciation and adoration I have for PeePaw. The bad is that I have seen people who legitimately worship the ground this man stands on and will do anything to maintain him as the one and only Optimus Prime. Like, within a couple of new years, every time there’s a new Transformers show, take a good guess which part of the fandom shows up the most in the comments section, specifically when there’s an Optimus Prime.

“That’s not Peter Cullen, wtf.”

“I want Peter Cullen as this Optimus.”

“This new Optimus’ voice sucks, I want Peter Cullen back.”

These are the best summaries I can come up with when it comes to how y’all react whenever there is a new voice actor for Optimus Prime. Y’all did it with David Kaye when Animated came around, y’all did it with Alan Tudyk when Earthspark came around, but these pale in comparisons to truly the most crazy, awful moment when shit hits the fan: Jake Foushee, when Cybeverse and the WFC Trilogy came around.

For those who do not know who Jake Foushee is, he was the voice actor of Optimus Prime in Transformers Cyberverse and the War for Cybertron Trilogy. Before he was casted, he gained a fanbase due to his Optimus Prime impression and work as a Vine creator. In fact, it was an interview on the Ellen show that got him casted as Prime in the first place. The only off thing about his casting is that John Hasbro didn’t want to hire union voice actors for these two Transformers shows. Like…they damn well have the money to pay their voice actors, that’s something I’ll still hold John Hasbro accountable for to this day. Anyways, back to the main topic. I remember back when Cyberverse and the WFC Trilogy were airing, I see a surprising amount of people who harbor extreme reactions towards Jake Tillman’s voice acting as Optimus in these shows. 

“The voice actor sucks as Optimus.”

“Ewww, wtf. This is just a bad impersonation.”

“Why won’t Hasbro bring back the REAL voice of Optimus Prime?”

Again, these are simply paraphrases of genuinely nasty ass comments about Jake that basically screams They Changed It, Now It Sucks. Notice that last paraphrase here. What does this remind you of? I’ll give you three seconds.

If you guess correctly, you are correct. A good chunk of the hate towards this voice actor is from the hardcore Peter Cullen purists, aka the #BringBackPeterCullen crowd. Like…did y’all forget the basic value of, “if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”? It’s not that fucking hard to say gross shit like this, like you’d be surprised at how many people often forget that these voice actors are real people. They’re real people who will read your hate comments, who will be hurt by your hate comments, and who will be discouraged from doing what they love because of your hate comments. When it comes to moments like this, it seems like y’all forgot the elephant in the room: the voice direction and script.

Cyberverse and the WFC Trilogy are a great way to show how much potential Jake Foushe has and how it will go wrong if it’s in the hands of a bad voice director and script. Cyberverse showed how utterly phenomenal Jake is as Optimus. In the first season, yeah, it was a bit rough around the edges. However, as the show goes on, he was given the direction to be himself rather than be a hardcore impression. His voice as Optimus has improved and it felt natural by the time we get to, “The Perfect Decepticon.” Compare his vocal performance in the third episode of Season One and the finale. It’s like day and night in the best ways.

However…then there’s the WFC Trilogy. For some reason, the voice direction and script set out to undermine Jake Foushee and the other voice actors of these shows as much as they can. As a result, it became the impression that y’all were quick to condemn Jake for. It felt like whoever was in charge of the voice acting for these three shows did not care about the implications of what they were doing with the voice direction. As a result, the nasty ass comments came and it eventually boiled to a point where after these shows ended, he doesn’t bring up his roles in them. I don’t blame him if it has something to do with the huge fan backlash to his casting as Optimus Prime.

Think Before You Speak: Fandom Brain Rot is A Curse

At this point, y’all just need to give up the whole #BringBackPeterCullen thing. It’s fine to feel upset over John Hasbro not giving him the respect he deserves around the hiring non union era. It’s fine to feel upset over John Hasbro not even bothering to ask him if he would like to come back as Optimus. However, it does not give you the excuse to be a shitty person towards whoever’s voicing Optimus in a new Transformers show. Sometimes, a new voice actor is necessary depending on the characterization and age a show is going with Optimus. Don’t worry about Peter. He still got the movies under his belt and there will be another show with him soon. I guarantee it. There’s no way that John Hasbro is gonna miss out on bringing him back.

In the meantime, we need to be better when it comes to whoever will be the next Optimus Prime. A part of the reason why I dreaded the announcement of the voice cast for Transformers: One is because of fans like these ones. Like, some of y'all forgot how to be decent human beings when your fav is not voiced by your fav voice actor. It has gotten to the point of being genuinely irritating. 

You may be asking what is the point of this entire blog post. The point is that time and time again, we have forgotten that voice actors are human beings too. This type of fan dumb needs to stop. Y’all did it before and y’all are doing it now with annoying shit like change.org petitions and angry fan letters. At this point, Imma about to say this:

We all owe Jake Foushee an apology big time.

Even if you don’t like his voice acting, you have to at least see something with the points I’ve made here. It will continue to rinse and repeat unless we put our feet down and stop it. We need to be more welcoming and encouraging to new talent who have big shoes to fill in. Having respect and adoration towards the veterans of Transformers while also respecting and being open to new talent who have the potential to co-exist. These are not two mutually exclusive things.

We all owe Jake Foushee an apology. 

Till All Are One: A Lesson To Be Learned

As Cyberverse Week is coming in a few days, I need to make my point very clear as one of the biggest Cyberverse fans out here. Sometimes, the new may be just as good as the old. I always have the hope of seeing Jake one day at a convention such as TFCon, especially since he voiced my second favorite Optimus ever. 

I'm glad that more people are starting to realize that the backlash against whoever voices Optimus Prime in a new show is just plain dumb. Imagine my relief when I Tweeted a bit about this topic the other way on Twitter and saw a lot of people agreeing with how awful the backlash against Jake Foushee is.

We need to do better as a fandom. It starts with unpacking our biases and be open to change. Transformers is a franchise that revolves around robotical organisms that change, yet ironically the fandom doesn't like change.

Still, I won't let that affect my perception of voice actors in the franchise. I encourage you all to not send any hate messages to any voice actor and be open to change. I may not change everyone's minds, but I hope it gave you all something to think about.

Anyways, Pingu.

[bow-of-aros]

Day Nine: Wake Up!

Summary: Ted is really tired and would honestly love to take a little power nap at his desk.

Apparently Bill wants him to talk about his feelings like an emotionally cognisant human being instead.

-

Hey guys! I might be running out of steam a little, but I'm determined to keep going strong at least for a couple more days. I might take a break over the weekend since it's thanksgiving and also mine and my brother's birthdays, so I'm gonna be a little busy. This fic got super off track from what I had planned but I hope that everyone enjoys this installment <33

-

Another boring fucking day at work.

Ted didn’t even know what he was doing here half the time. Most of the shit he did just felt like endless busy work. It was all organizing files and pinning email and printing documents.

Normally he was able to power through it with a few shitty coffees and a healthy dose of bothering his coworkers. It was a steady paycheck and that was something he definitely needed.

Doubly so now that he had Peter living with him.

Last night had been exhausting.

Look, he hadn’t exactly been thinking about the fact that he had work in the morning when his kid brother showed up on his doorstep, bag slung over his shoulder and tears streaming down his face, saying, “I told them. They uh— They kicked me out. Can I stay here for a bit?”

The next several hours had been spent clearing out the junk room for Peter to put all his stuff in and then sitting there while he explained what happened. Now, Ted isn’t the best when it comes to feelings, but he’s of the opinion that there’s nothing a cup of hot chocolate and a firm Spankoffski hug can’t make at least a little better.

It must have done something because, right before Peter had finally drifted off to sleep, he’d smiled at Ted and called him Teddy, something he hadn’t done since he was a little kid.

At that point it had already been past midnight, but then Ted made the genius decision to stay up a few extra hours googling variations of How to tell my trans brother he can live with me for as long as he needs without being gross or emotional about it.

Oh, and also Is it still illegal to kill your parents if they’re transphobic assholes? Asking for a friend. But he’d used incognito for that one, obviously. He wasn’t fucking stupid.

What all that meant was that now Ted was sitting at his desk, trying to focus on what he was pretty sure was the correct computer screen out of the three he was seeing.

Maybe nobody would notice if he closed his eyes for a little bit. It’s not like they paid any attention to him anyway—

“HEY!”

Ted’s elbows shot down to rub away the electric feeling of someone goosing his sides. That was his way of being affectionate while still being annoying and he did not appreciate it being used against him.

“Rise and shine, Ted!” He looked up behind himself to see Bill’s smiling face, looking much too proud of himself for what was a subpar joke at best.

God, he is not awake enough to deal with this right now. Maybe if he just closes his eyes and ignores his coworker, he’ll leave Ted alone.

“What— Oh come on, Ted. It’s a beautiful day! Let’s see that smile.”

Well, that didn’t sound good.

“Bihihihihill! Fuck ohohohoff!”

The attack of pokes to his torso has Ted sliding down in his chair. He’s not awake enough to stifle the giggles that start leaking out of him and, yeah, maybe it does make him feel a little bit lighter.

It doesn’t last too long before Bill lets up and Ted’s able to catch his breath, clawing himself back into his seat just to sag right back down into it.

“Hey man,” Bill leans against the wall of his cubicle, a concerned furrow in his brow, “You doing alright? You’ve been kind of out of it all day.”

Ugh, looks like they’re doing this.

“I’m just tired, okay? My parents kicked out my little brother and he showed up at my place last night. I was up way too late trying to figure out how to make sure he feels like he can stay or whatever.”

Silence rings out after Ted stops speaking, and he glances up to see a sort of awed look on Bill’s face.

“What?” He curls his arms around himself, hunching his shoulders self-consciously, “What did I say?”

“Nothing! I just didn’t know that you had that protective big brother instinct in you. It’s really sweet,” Bill looks contemplative for a moment, “I also didn’t know that you had a little brother. I thought that you had a sister?”

Ted just stares at him, willing Bill to connect the dots on his own.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Ohhhhh.”

“Yeah, dude. I don’t want to fuck this up,” He’s still tired and he drags a hand down his face, trying to wake himself up, “Pete’s just a kid! And I’ve never really had to take care of him before. Or myself, really. I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Bill’s silent for a moment before straightening up and placing a hand on Ted’s shoulder, “Look. I don’t really know what your situation with your brother is. But I know that you’ve been walking around like a zombie all day because you threw yourself into figuring out how to make him feel at home, and I think that that’s a pretty good indicator that you’re heading in the right direction.”

Damn. When did Bill get all wise and shit?

“Yeah. Thanks, man. That uh— That means a lot.”

In response to Ted’s emotionally constipated attempt at expressing gratitude, Bill just offers a lopsided grin before heading back to his cubicle.

“Actually, you know what? There’s only an hour left of the day, Ted, why don’t you head home and see your brother? I’ll cover anything that comes in for you.”

Oh God, what is he feeling? What’s this warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest?

Does he actually like Bill? Like an actual fucking friend?!

“Really?”

“Yeah! I’ll see you tomorrow,” His smile fades into something a little softer, “And get some actual sleep tonight, Ted. You’re not good to anyone with half your already suffering brain function.”

Ted’s basically already halfway out the door, but he pauses for a moment to flip Bill off and toss a muttered Thanks over his shoulder.

He walks to the car, taking in a deep breath before sliding in and turning the ignition, listening to his shitty car rev to life.

Yeah, Ted thinks as he starts the drive back home, Maybe I do got this.

[breakerwhiskey]

004 - FOUR

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut.

[click, static]

Alright, different channel today. Different channel and different state. I have made my way into West Virginia. And good lord, is it beautiful. I’m definitely avoiding all the flat just the way I wanted, but I am a little worried now that the mountains are going to make these signals even less likely to reach anyone. 

I’m keeping my eye out for a better antenna, something I could boost the signal with. I don’t know much about this thing–radios aren’t my specialty–but I’ve always been good at tinkering with things and I pick stuff up quick. It’s why I got into the line of work I did. You need to be able to improvise, figure things out fast, and you’ve gotta be good with your hands. 

I like discovering the way things work. In that sense, I bet you’d think this whole situation these past years has been my paradise. How do you improvise when the power’s out and the water stops being clean and you can’t get emergency services for shit because there might not be any kind of services at all anymore? I mean, sounds like a fun fair to me. 

The reality got old fast. But I think I was able to build a pretty decent existence. It’s why I think I can do it again. I take comfort in the knowledge that if this car breaks down, I can fix it, and if it really breaks down, I can get another one going. There’s certainly enough of them scattered around. 

Though not as many as I thought there’d be. I also expected the stores to be a lot more picked over. The gas stations, yeah, are mostly empty, but I think my odds of getting a stronger antenna are actually pretty good. I dropped into a hardware store late yesterday to get a tire gauge and air pump and the place felt…if not fully stocked, partly. And it’s not like I’m in the middle of absolutely nowhere, I’m still on a major highway. So why isn’t everything completely picked over? 

[click, static]

I have seen a couple of lights on here or there, which I can’t make any sense of. One of them was a roadside burger joint–their neon ‘open’ sign was glowing like it was new. So I went in and…well, I didn’t expect to see anyone, I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I thought maybe…maybe there’d be a phone that still worked or a water heater or a working gas line.

It was the strangest thing. The neon sign was on. And the jukebox. And one of the lights over the counter. But nothing else. The phone was dead, none of the light switches seemed to do anything.

I did try playing a tune on the jukebox but…I don’t have any quarters. Why would I? I haven’t used money for anything in years.

But anyway, it all got me thinking…if I could find a working radio tower, could I boost this signal? As it stands, I’ve just got to keep driving round and round and round until I get lucky enough to come into range with another CB. But if parts of the grid are still working, then maybe—

[click, static]

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it wouldn’t make a difference because maybe there is no one to find. And I’ll just keep tuning into a new frequency every single day and talking to the air. 

[click, static]

But I think it’s…helping. Even if I’m not talking to anybody.

[click, static]

Maybe because I’m not talking to anybody. If no one can hear me, there’s no consequence to anything I say. And talking to yourself isn’t embarrassing or sad if no one knows it’s happening. Right?

So, who knows, maybe I’ll keep going on this no matter what happens. I’ve got nothing to lose.

Signing off. 

[click, static]

[beep]

[1hellofacookie]

this has nothing to do with my art but bare with me

[ This is a ramble about my mental health and how much better it has recently gotten. ]

so, I think I've finally made it through my depression? Like. The past two months were the the happiest of my life, I've never felt better. And it made me realise a lot of things.

What makes me think that I've put my depression behind me is the fact that I'm no longer seeing the world filtered though that cloud of... sad. The cloud of sad that while you're depressed you don't even know doesn't exist for others. At least that's what's the case for me. I thought everyone is able to feel this shit and others just feel a little less shit.

While talking to my friend about this I came up with an analogy; it feels like you've been wearing a backpack all your life thats filled to the brim with the heaviest of rocks and you go about life believing that others just have less rocks in their backpacks and your challenge is to find a way to carry it better or get rid of some rocks. Only for you to find out that the others don't even carry a backpack at all.

I'm only 18 and I've been struggling with depression for the past few years. I can't pinpoint since when exactly, but I just know that it's incredibly hard to remember a time without it. Which makes sense, I barely remember anything about my childhood, especially not my feelings, and my teenage years were consumed by the big sad. So I have absolutely no frame of reference what life without that numbness feels like.

Meaning, everything I experience right now is so new. I did not know life could feel like this. It makes sense now that people say all those clichés to people who struggle with depression. They can't imagine what it's like. It's not the same scale you're on.

I finally get to hope. I wake up and am excited for the day, I experience bad things and get to just shrug them off, knowing that it'll get better. Things will happen in my future and I'm not happy about them but I get to go "huh yeah that will suck. It'll be fine tho. Let's see how I get through that" , and my brain thinks that automatically.

I was so weirded out when I caught myself thinking that way. It's entirely unfamiliar to me.

I get to be so. damn. happy. I'm so new to all of this. I've never felt this way before.

I get to experience negative emotions entirely different as well. They don't hit nearly the same way they did before. It's not that they don't cut deep, it's not that I don't feel them because I certainly do. But they feel different. Easier to touch, easier to handle, not as devastating, as crushing. I'm looking at everything from a very different perspective.

Looking at everything like this it makes so much sense that people, like, live. Of course you get up every day because yes, it's so worth it. I see that now too. I'm so sorry that I didn't before.

My final year of school has just started and I've been so scared of everything that comes with it the past few years. But I feel ready to take on the challenge, and it's a feeling I cannot even describe. I cannot yet grasp that I'm even feeling that. But I'm so grateful that I get to experience it. All of this.

Everything still feels a little like I've been thrown into cold water every now and then because of the novelty, because for the first time I actually get to be human, get to live. And that right when life is supposed to start with all the other new firsts. I do mourn the fact that I didn't get to live all my life like this a little but I also find a surprising amount of compassion within myself for past little me.

I still haven't found the words to describe all this properly but that won't stop me from trying, so prepare for maybe a couple more posts like this one (though hopefully not that long).

I really, really hope that the big sad does actually leave me alone for now. It's not entirely gone, it's still flaring up every now and then, but not nearly as severely as before, and I'm more than fine if it stays this way.

This post got so much longer than I expected it to, I am so sorry. But there were some anons a long time ago (I think is actually been two years already) that told me they wish for a time where I'm not hurting anymore. And if they're still here and following me, I just want them to know that that time's here now. I've stopped hurting. I'm finally healing, properly.

If you did actually read the whole post, thank you, I love you <3

[morbidly-absent]

sorry, i can’t afford a therapist

this will probably sound very disordered, but i’m sad to admit that the closest i’ve felt to realness is ED. i’m generally lonely, i only have one friend i see pretty often and a couple more i’d consider occasional acquaintances.

sometimes it feels like it’s me against the world, except the world is the one i created myself. it’s imperfect. i’m hungry, dizzy, awkward, i go a little crazy with measuring spoons, calories, numbers and it doesn’t help being a bad liar.

but in this world, i get a lot more satisfaction. in case i mess up it’s solely my fault. if i go against the rules i make up in my own head, there’s nobody to blame but myself. the only person i’m disappointed with is me.

when phased with reality i am nothing but hurt. people lie, cheat, betray. i have not had a successful relationship with a man in nine years. i am pushing dating into the background, i can’t handle anymore bs. friendships are not any different.

[RANT] thought i made a new friend but it’s a complete disaster. girl spends more time on her phone than connecting with me. she had to pick me up tonight so i could spend the night and stay watching her dogs for a couple of days. she texted me when she was supposed to be at my door and told me she felt nauseous and she’ll be there in a few. she then ignored my texts and calls just to get back to me one and a half hours later telling me she’s on her way now. she wanted to pick me up past midnight dude!! i mean, damn, i worked a long shift, ran back home, swallowed my dinner in a minute, packed my bag and just sat there like a dumbass waiting for her. i just feel stomped on. “babess i’m so sorry! i was feeling like shit!!” OH REALLY MELISSA??

stop playing with me!!

you know who doesn’t do that though? ana doesn’t. you get what you put in, there’s no hidden agenda. i feel the most sane when i’m the most insane.

i see people in this community talking about wanting to look better so people treat them better and/or get jealous. i used to be overweight growing up so i 100% get it. but my focus has shifted so much. it is now about my own satisfaction rather than other people’s perception of me. they can suck it, respectfully.

they don’t stick around either way. you know what will? my collarbones.

[justmybookthots]

Guild Codex: Demonized

4/5 stars

Hello to this series that has consumed my life the past couple of days. What is wild is that I almost did not read this series. I saw in the reviews that the demon was in a contract with the heroine in exchange for cookies, and I was like, that sounds overly comedic and I personally dislike it when comedy dominates fiction, so no.

But after reading the first two books in the Red Winter trilogy by the same author, I decided to give this one a try.

LUCKILY IT WASN’T ANYTHING LIKE THAT (the cookies were something the demon had no choice but to accept because they were both desperate for a contract at the time) AND THIS SERIES HAS ETCHED ITS PLACE AMONG MY FAVOURITE BOOKS. 

I just binged this entire series (all four books) from Sunday to Thursday, wtf. I started the first book on Sunday and finished it on Monday (I think??), then tried to take a break but ended up bingeing anyway. The first book was pretty much near perfection; there was almost nothing I could critique about it. Every scene with Zylas (ZYLAS!!!) hit the spot and while I feared their exchanges would become repetitive, each scene was chef’s kiss and had a purpose that led to a greater picture. The other three books weren’t as perfect, especially the last one, but they still had me in an iron-grip and had me zooming through all of them.

The last time I was this engrossed in a series, it was with Cruel Prince. I think it was my obsession with Zylas that really sucked me in. I haven’t loved a male lead like that in a while. At some point, I thought he even rivalled Cardan (now, maybe not? I don’t know). He was rude, cruel, even kind of sociopathic in the first book, which made sense because he was a demon. I was so worried he’d soften up right away and just end up behaving like a normal person (which so many books make the mistake of. Being arrogant but tortured does not make a male lead a demon, just a stereotypical hero, thank you very much) but he was always so unpredictable. I loved how he touched Robin’s hand - then grabbed her into the summoning circle and asked how her blood tasted. It was totally out of nowhere in an otherwise soft moment that had lulled me into a false sense of security. 

I also loved that he wasn't considered strong for a demon, and had to use his cunning to fight a lot of times. °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° My heart almost broke, though, when Robin forced him to fight the demon from the First House and nearly got him killed. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know why, but I found that plot point soooo good.

Also, in the second book, him harassing Socks (the cat) was EVERYTHING:

I also really liked Robin - she wasn’t the badass, snarky heroine that I’ve read in so many fantasy books. She was timid, and combat-wise really useless. She had to struggle to make herself useful during battle, and was more book smart than street smart. AND I LOVED IT. It was such a refreshing change from what I was used to, and what I’d been looking for. I’d even asked Reddit for recommendations… I wonder why they didn’t recommend this to me? Or maybe they did, and I forgot.

But I digress. 

I think Annette Marie is really talented, and while the language is very straightforward and not very pretty or flowery or anything like that, the story is extremely well-written. My eyes started glazing over when the action got too intense, though, and I ended up skimming the fight scenes. I’ve never really cared about action in fiction, if I’m being honest. I always skim that, including in thrillers. 

The last thing I’d like to add is that after Robin and Zylas consummated their relationship in the last book, their tension kind of ebbed for me, and I wasn’t as invested in them anymore. I’m not sure why - was I so invested in their slow burn that I didn’t care afterwards? I also think the sex scene was meh, and could have been done with better foreplay and all that shit to make it more intense, because it felt - no pun intended - kind of anticlimactic. If the romance is slow-burn, so should the. Fucking. Sex!!!!!

(Also I would have liked Zylas to be more... in pursuit, lmao, but that's neither here nor there.)

Overall, it was so FANTASTIC, and I just loved, loved, loved their little makeshift family with Amalia (GO AMALIA!!! Loved how Robin and her formed a friendship that lasted all the books) and Socks. I was terrified of finishing the series too fast because I’d have a massive book hangover, so… yikes. Thankfully, I think I’m okay, because the last book wasn’t hitting as hard.

I hope I'm okay...

Also, some of my favourite quotes:

❤️❤️ (Can I also say I'm obsessed with his tail? FIRST CARDAN, NOW ZYLAS. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR MEN WITH TAILS?)

- 20 July 2023